


The Responsibilities of Tomorrow

by Shyaway95, teslatempest



Series: To Save the Things We Love [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Bonding, Fluff, Gen, I mean, Implied Mpreg, Jiraiya realizes that he messed up and starts rectifying the situation, Non-Graphic Violence, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, They ARE shinobi so you shouldn't really be surprised, heavy introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shyaway95/pseuds/Shyaway95, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teslatempest/pseuds/teslatempest
Summary: Jiraiya paused to reexamine that last thought before he carefully set it aside, because thinking about Danzo right now was counterproductive. He was supposed to be helping Kakashi and Tsunade navigate the trials and consequences of a difficult birth, not plotting a high-profile target assassination.





	The Responsibilities of Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE!! And it’s the longest one yet! This installment? Pain. In. The. Ass. Jiraiya was very uncooperative for MONTHS. But we finally made it work (go give Shy and Dream lots and lots of praise and compliments, because seriously, this chapter was not happening and they’re the ones that really made it happen). 
> 
> Also, Jiraiya might seem a bit OOC at first because we’re playing him a little bit differently than most people, especially since we’re writing from his perspective. We were having such trouble with his POV that we ended up listing what we knew of the character and building a personality around it in addition to his canon behavior. Jiraiya graduated at the age of 6, fought in two wars, has no known family to speak of, his students and grand-students are almost all dead in grisly ways, one teammate is a traitor and the other was traumatized and ran away (so we kind of headcanon Jiraiya with some abandonment issues, which we can explain further if you guys want). He is also the Konoha Spymaster, making him an expert in espionage, misdirection, and interrogation. Someone doesn’t get into that position by being transparent and loud all the time. He has to be very, very good at his job, and very good at hiding how good he is. As such… our Jiraiya comes across a little darker than in canon. Enjoy?
> 
> (On that note: As a heads up, we did include some descriptions about the darker sides of shinobi work. We don’t think it’s too graphic, but if you’re concerned about potential triggers, we will list them in the lower author’s note in order to avoid spoilers). 
> 
> As always, thank you to our wonderful beta, Dreamweaver11 (you’re amazing!!!). 
> 
> Finally: if you’re new to this series, we strongly recommend that you go back and read the previous installments, otherwise this probably isn’t going to make any sense. 
> 
> Love you guys so much! Thank you so much for your patience!
> 
> -Shy & Tes

You cannot escape the responsibilities of tomorrow, by evading them today. -- **Abraham Lincoln**

 

**Four Years Earlier**

 

Jiraiya could admit to himself that he was not the most brilliant of shinobi. Early, long-term exposure to Sarutobi-sensei, Tsunade, and Orochimaru had made that brutally and abundantly clear, especially when he had been six and newly graduated, full of arrogance and pointless optimism.

However, he thought that he could perhaps be forgiven for being struck dumb by the revelations of the past forty-eight hours.

The last time he had seen Minato’s student, Hatake Kakashi had been a neurotic, angry thirteen-year-old, brilliant at being a shinobi but little else, and struggling to grieve for his teammates.

In his memories, Kakashi was always calm and cold, focused on being a good shinobi over everything else. Jiraiya hadn’t met him before Sakumo’s death, but it had always seemed like Kakashi was single-mindedly focused on ignoring any feelings he might have had. Even after losing everything, Kakashi had strapped down his grief in favor of work, pushing himself harder and harder to outrun his ghosts.

Jiraiya had seen past that. War damaged people, and Kakashi had been a survivor. No one ever talked about what that cost.

It was near impossible to reconcile that version of Kakashi with the one sitting right in front of him, cradling a newborn baby, still quiet and wary, but gentle and careful as well and with his mask pooled around the base of his neck.

“If you’re going to just stand there, you can help with dinner.”

Jiraiya jumped at Tsunade’s voice, craning his head around to stare blankly at her where she stood in the kitchen before his eyes were inevitably drawn back to the living room. Kakashi was still on the couch talking with Maito and Shizune, cradling baby Kouichi and speaking softly. It was hard to believe that the baby was an Uchiha and, if it hadn’t been for those startingly distinct red eyes, Jiraiya wouldn’t have believed it so readily. The Clans were notoriously insular and secretive, keeping their techniques close and their blood even closer, and the Uchiha were the worst of the group, except for maybe the Hyuuga. To think that the most isolated and vicious of Konoha’s Clans had been violated in such a way was nearly absurd to think about.

Absurd… and disturbing.

Sage knew, Jiraiya himself had been a member of a number of teams and committees tasked with stealing Clan bloodlines from rival Villages, especially during the Second War, but those had very rarely amounted to anything. Those missions usually ended with injured teammates, heightened aggression on the front lines, and dead children. Jiraiya had been relieved when Konoha had officially put the practice behind them. The fact that it had happened to the Uchiha was alarming, though if anyone could pull it off, Jiraiya wasn’t surprised that it was Danzo.

The councilman had always been incredibly clever and crafty and it hadn’t come as much of a shock that the man had managed to keep the practice going unofficially and under Sarutobi-sensei’s nose. It also came as no surprise that the bastard was a sick fucker who liked messing with people’s heads way too much. The man had always had twisted priorities and an skewed sense of what constituted a justifiable loss.    

Jiraiya paused to reexamine that last thought before he carefully set it aside, because thinking about Danzo right now was counterproductive. He was supposed to be helping Kakashi and Tsunade navigate the trials and consequences of a difficult birth, not plotting a high-profile target assassination.

Instead he turned on his heel and stepped into the kitchen, automatically heading for the cutting board and carrots Tsunade had left out for him to cut. It was like stepping back in time, to team dinners when the Sannin had practically lived out of each others’ pockets, before Dan’s death, the shitshow that was Ame, and Orochimaru’s defection, all of them open wounds that still ached and pulsed with regret and missed opportunities, even after all these years.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tsunade frown at the recipe. Even though she knew them all by heart, she still used one, just like she’d done all those years ago.

Kami, he could still remember being seven and getting consistently knocked on his ass by the diminutive Senju girl whenever their tempers flared, arguing over everything from tactics to what to have for dinner. He could remember being thirteen and realizing how beautiful she was when her razor sharp mind was focused on learning a new technique, how strong she was when she remembered _why_ she fought, why she was so willing to march into war with blood on her hands and ferocity in her heart. He remembered being eighteen and knowing that she could break boulders and decimate squads of enemy-nin without breaking a sweat… and still come back and tuck Nawaki into bed, smiling fondly and packing his lunch even as she insisted he could start learning high level genjutsu.

Tsunade had always been so focused on being a kunoichi that she sometimes forgot how much kindness she held, but Jiraiya had treasured those glimpses of her. After Dan’s death, in his darkest and most resentful moments, he had wondered if that loss had been enough to kill that piece of her, but seeing her with Kakashi, pushing back his bangs and encouraging him through the labor pain, he had merely felt an overwhelming sense of relief that, after all this time, that beautiful compassion was still there.

She had disappeared in the middle of the night, after everything, and it had broken Jiraiya’s heart all over again, no matter how used to it he was. After all, Orochimaru’s defection had almost shattered him, too. Tsunade had been the one to hold him together afterwards, clasping his heaving shoulders in her strong hands and letting him sob and rage into her collarbone. Even though she had been just as hurt, just as furious as he had been, she had remained his rock, his foundation while the rest of the world crumbled around his ears.

He had thought, foolishly, that he had done the same for her, provided the support that she had needed after he’d found her catatonic and shivering in her bathtub, a dried trail of blood the only thing left to mark her pained journey from the bed to the bathroom. He had held her, bathed her, and dressed her in the aftermath; silent in voice, but speaking volumes through action, the way he always did when at his most serious. He had thought he had helped her the way she had helped him, and he had never been so wrong. He had never been as pained as when he realized his best friend and Dan’s young niece were missing, gone without a trace, nor had he been as angry as when he realized that Sensei’s stern and uncompromising frown meant that he intended to mark them down as traitors, as _missing-nin._

Usually, shattering walls was Tsunade’s way of expressing anger or displeasure, but Jiraiya had managed well enough in her absence. Sensei had agreed to send out a letter instead and Jiraiya had never been more thankful for Tsunade’s sense of self preservation than he had been when her reply came in by messenger hawk not two days after. It had saved her life and it had saved his broken heart from shattering completely.

He had no longer been whole, would never be again without both Tsunade and Orochimaru standing at his side, but Konoha had needed him, had always needed him, and he’d put aside his aching heart.

Even if his teammates hadn’t wanted or needed him -- just like his family hadn’t needed him, had abandoned him when they abandoned Konoha, refusing to look at him and _see,_ no matter how much he worked to become better than he was; just like Sensei, being pulled away by duty to the village, duty to his blood family, duty, duty, _duty_ \-- he could still protect the village they had once all loved.

It was a cold comfort, but one he relished all the same. He had pulled himself together, buried those jagged and rusted pieces of his soul, and had tried to move forward.  

He focused on peeling and chopping the carrots as Tsunade measured out broth and spices methodically, but he could still faintly hear the conversation in the other room. Kakashi’s voice rang out in an exhausted chuckle and he took a deep breath, pushing down the heartache and the roiling cloud of emotion he was so used to ignoring until he could speak normally.

“So, Sensei called you in to help?”

Tsunade nodded. “He needed someone that could be trusted to not be involved with Danzo.”

Jiraiya nodded, mentally going through what he knew about Danzo. He’d had evidence of the man’s less-than-legal activities for years now, but it was not nearly enough to take the man to the courts, even in Konoha. He had his hand in nearly every pie, lined the pockets of nearly every politician in Fire Country, and had the ear and trust of more noblemen and elite samurai than most people even knew existed. The man was nigh on untouchable where he stood and the bastard knew it. But… to descend into line theft of their own citizens? To kidnap a shinobi of Kakashi’s caliber and prestige for an _experiment?_ And to do so from Konoha’s very streets? Clearly his network needed improvement if they had missed internal corruption and insanity of this scale. He made a note to… re-examine his sources. It would most likely involve hot irons and a nasty genjutsu he’d picked up from a former Land of Snow T &I specialist. Jiraiya imagined that the experience might be at least somewhat therapeutic.  

But, if he was going to be honest with himself, he should have been there himself. He had left Konoha to gather information and provide warning, to keep the village strong -- to protect _Minato’s son,_ even if only from a distance -- but Kakashi was the last of Minato’s students, and Jiraiya had a responsibility to him as well, even if the boy had always been alarmingly self-sufficient.

The last time they had interacted, they had been shouting at each other in a deserted room in the semi-sturdy remains of the Hokage tower, voices rough from both smoke inhalation and overwhelming emotion. Kakashi had accused Jiraiya of being a coward for leaving Naruto and the Village behind and Jiraiya had derisively scolded Kakashi for hiding from both the world and his problems in ANBU. Despite knowing he had crossed a line and behaved like a resentful child, _towards_ a resentful child no less, Jiraiya hadn’t been able to bring himself to reach out and begin repairing that relationship. He’d been too much of a _coward,_ and Jiraiya had always felt a dark sense of amusement at the thought that he was, essentially, proving Kakashi right.

Now he wished he had, because maybe then he could have helped the boy, been able to warn him off of Danzo before the councilman had gotten too close.

“You should talk to him.”

Jiraiya jumped and turned, meeting Tsunade’s even gaze. “Huh?” he replied before he could think about it.

Tsunade nodded towards the other room. “To Kakashi. You should talk to him.”

“I’m… not sure he wants to talk to me,” Jiraiya admitted, looking back down at his scarred knuckles, seeing the way his weather beaten and calloused hands held a kitchen knife like it was one of his long knives, the kind he preferred to use during interrogations. His hands never shook. Whether they held a blade suspended over a sobbing shinobi’s skin or over a pair of freshly diced carrots, they were always steady. These were not the hands of a man that should be holding a baby or caring for a new mother. These were not the hands that this house needed, not now, and the thought was more distressing than it had any right to be.  

A hard poke pushed him back several steps, and Jiraiya glanced up to see that Tsunade looked very unimpressed with his hesitation. Jiraiya sighed and returned to his spot at the counter, picking up the knife again to finish chopping the damn carrots. “Fine, I’ll try.”

“Good,” she replied, smiling as she tasted the broth.

~

Jiraiya sighed as he crumpled up yet another piece of paper. Tsunade and Shizune hadn’t left the Hatake cottage yet, wanting to make sure that there weren’t any underlying health problems that could crop up for either Kakashi or Kouichi, so he had stayed, too. Sparring with Maito and Tsunade was fun and informative, and improving the wards had been a challenge, but he still hadn’t been able to bring himself to talk to Kakashi.

Not to mention, with a baby in the house, all of their sleep schedules had been thrown off which, while not unusual for a shinobi on the job, was somehow infinitely more annoying when it was because of a baby instead of a mission. This was probably yet another sign that he should get going while the going was good, because what type of man resented a baby for lost sleep more than he resented his work for the same reason? At least the extra time awake allowed him to catch up on some of his work, especially on his fuinjustu array development, his favorite yet most neglected hobby.

The light in the kitchen clicked on, and Jiraiya looked up. Kakashi, looking more than a little tired, his mask still down -- a sight which still sent little shivers of shock and discontent down Jiraiya’s spine -- seemed surprised to see him sitting in the main room. Kouichi was in a sling held against his front, although he still had one arm supporting the infant from below. It was a surprisingly wholesome scene and it made Jiraiya want to squirm in his seat.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Jiraiya asked wryly, unsure of where else to start.

Kakashi snorted, shifting his weight to keep rocking Kouichi carefully as he reached up into the cupboard. “This is the third time I’ve been up tonight.”

The angle he was trying to reach was awkward, and Jiraiya stood before he realized what he was doing. “I can hold Kouichi for a minute.”

Kakashi hesitated, and Jiraiya was suddenly hit with the reality of what he’d just said. It took a few moments for the panic to set in, but Jiraiya was nearly ready to scram like a hoard of angry bathhouse women were on his tail by the time Kakashi got over his hesitation enough to reply.

“If you drop him, I will kill you and let Tsunade deal with what’s left,” he warned, carefully lifting Kouichi from the sling.

“She might beat you to it,” Jiraiya replied dryly, sitting down again to disguise the sudden weakness in his knees. Kakashi handed him the baby, eye flickering to make sure Jiraiya was holding him properly, before he slowly turned back to the cupboard. He was good at hiding it, but Jiraiya had been fighting since before Kakashi was born -- he could see when someone was moving with pain.

_He won’t be happy if I mention it though,_ Jiraiya thought to himself, before reluctantly refocusing on Kouichi. The boy seemed so small, even with the chubby cheeks. After two days his eyes had already darkened to a deep, violet color that seemed to shimmer in the low light. He reached up and carefully pushed back the wisps of silver hair, just barely allowing his rough fingers to touch the baby’s soft, new skin. Kouichi’s nose wrinkled, his head tilting to try and follow Jiraiya’s hand.

Jiraiya grinned as he waggled his fingers, his panic fading slowly as he watched Kouichi’s eyes lock onto them. The baby struggled to lean up, and Jiraiya dropped his fingers to tap his nose _softly_ , ever so softly. _Remember what these hands are capable of, you big fool, and move_ carefully. The baby looked stunned, then a delighted smile spread across his face.

The Toad Sannin had never been one for small children, but he still grinned broadly.

Kakashi took the seat next to him, setting a bowl of cereal on the table. The teen hesitated before leaning forward, tugging the blanket back to see Kouichi’s face. “He’s a pervert, so don’t take any advice from him, kiddo.”

Jiraiya spluttered, mostly to cover up his own pleased reaction. After Kakashi’s emotional shut-down when Minato had died, he would have expected a baby to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Instead, even with the stress and worry, Kakashi seemed… happy. Happier than Jiraiya had ever seen him. Jiraiya was cautiously surprised that his usually sharp instincts were wrong at least this once, though he was still confused as to the _why_.

Given the circumstances, it was making him curious.  

“As though you have any room to talk!” Jiraiya finally retorted, poking Kakashi’s arm as boy dug into his cereal. “You own all of my books, or did you think I wouldn’t notice that the majority of your bookshelf is bright orange?”

“I read them for the plot,” Kakashi replied blandly, poorly hiding his grin. Jiraiya couldn’t help but reflexively relax at the sight. It had been too long since he’d just sat down with the younger shinobi and talked. He’d missed it more than he had expected.

Kouichi managed to work one hand out of the blanket and flailed towards Kakashi. Jiraiya chuckled and cautiously adjusted his hold. “Just a minute, little one, let your mother finish his food.”

“I’m done,” Kakashi replied, hesitating once again before reaching forward to slip his hands under his son’s wriggling body.

Hmm. Jiraiya made a note to himself to keep observing Kakashi, because he had only rarely seen the teen hesitate before doing anything. Perhaps it was nerves, perhaps it was something else. It was the ‘something else’ that worried him.

Jiraiya blinked to clear his head, filing away his observations for later analysis, before he looked down and realized that the kid’s bowl was empty. He snorted.

“You’re going to get indigestion from the speed eating someday,” he grumbled as he gratefully passed over the baby.

“It hasn’t happened yet.”

Jiraiya frowned as he looked at Kakashi and Kouichi together. Kakashi was smiling at his son… and it was so weird to _see_ that. It felt almost unnatural, to see Kakashi baring his emotions so blatantly, to _allow_ others to even see those emotions in the first place. It made that itching feeling crawl up his spine and he couldn’t help but ask.

“What happened to your mask?”

Kakashi grimaced, not meeting Jiraiya’s eyes. “Babies don’t develop object permanence until they’re eight months old. When I tried putting the mask on he freaked out.” Kakashi shrugged as he bounced Kouichi carefully in response to the baby making an unhappy-sounding squeak. The boy froze afterwards, his eye roving over the baby in his grip almost manically before the tense line of his shoulders relaxed once again.

“I can deal with it for a few months. It’s not as though I can go out right now,” Kakashi finished morosely.

“Minato would have been proud.”

Kakashi froze again, and Jiraiya realized what had just popped out of his mouth. He bit his lip. This was why he only did the touchy-feely stuff with Tsunade, who was used to his rather tactless way of showing affection. The statement had come out of nowhere and Jiraiya would have brained himself on the table if he had been alone. The Sannin had been doing his best to avoid this conversation all week and then he just had to waltz right out and open his big, fat mouth. Well, in for a ryo, in for a fortune, he supposed.

“I mean, about Kouichi. Minato loved kids and he would have spoiled him rotten. After he ripped out Danzo’s spine.” Wait. Shit. He was supposed to be encouraging the boy, not reminding Kakashi about the manipulative asshole who violated him in the first place. Shit. He could charm classified information from a mark without breaking a sweat, but was somehow completely incapable of having a civil conversation with the closest thing he had to family. Figures.

Only, the tension carefully left Kakashi’s shoulders, and the smile actually returned, this time sad. “He would’ve insisted on buying half of the toy store.” Huh. Guess he hadn’t fucked that up too badly after all. _Well, don’t get ahead of yourself yet, you old coot. The conversation isn’t over yet._

“And Kushina would have given you lists of kid-friendly ramen recipes,” Jiraiya ventured cautiously, pretending to be absorbed in Kouichi’s spit-bubble technique to disguise how his eyes raked over Kakashi, analyzing his body language for any tells, any signs that he might be overstepping his bounds.

Even with his head ducked Jiraiya still saw Kakashi’s nostalgic grin, before it faded. “I wish Naruto could meet Kouichi.”

The humor fled Jiraiya swiftly, replaced with a cold feeling in his gut. Kakashi had only been fourteen, and in ANBU, with enough mental trauma that he never would have been assigned custody even if he _had_ been willing to accept the responsibility. Jiraiya was Naruto’s godfather, and even though he was trying to eliminate threats outside of Konoha…

Well. Jiraiya had never claimed to be a brave man, and the idea of raising his dead student’s only child had been, and still was, absolutely terrifying.

Kouichi made an unhappy sound, trying to grab onto the collar of Kakashi’s shirt. The teen sighed, visibly setting aside his melancholy. “That’s my cue. See you in the morning,” he stated abruptly, standing with the baby and slipping out of the room before Jiraiya could say anything else.  

After several minutes of contemplation, Jiraiya still wasn’t sure if he had made any headway with Kakashi.

~

“Who is the cutest? Who is the cutest little boy ever? _You_ are! Yes, you!”

“He’s an itty-bitty boss!”

“Look at his eyes!”

“And he even smells good!”

Jiraiya had to press his hand to his mouth to muffle his laughter at the utterly flummoxed look on Kakashi’s face as Shizune and his nin-dogs cooed at Kouichi. Apparently, the fearsome copy-nin had never experienced baby-talk before and had no idea how to react to it.

The baby himself just tried to follow everything with his eyes, wide and curious even with how young he was. The nin-dogs were careful not to crowd him, although Jiraiya was pretty sure they had set up a rotation so that they could all sniff him properly.

Tsunade didn’t bother to hide her sniggers, and Maito patted Kakashi on the back comfortingly. “You cannot blame her, my cool rival, for Kouichi is indeed youthfully adorable. Particularly in these onesies!”

Kakashi just shook his head and shot a dry look at Pakkun, who just wagged his tail.

“You’ve got to teach him to give good scratches, Boss,” the pug stated imperiously, craning his body to get a better look at the baby.

Jiraiya laughed again. As much as he loved his toads, he couldn’t imagine them acting like this around a baby, which made the whole situation even more hilarious.

Hmm… Perhaps that was a good idea for another book. A hero with nature spirits, saving the little sister of the heroine, proving his worth to her as a kind and sensitive soul that deserved the richest of rewards…

THWACK!

“Ow!” Jiraiya yelped, jumping back and rubbing his arm before turning to his former genin teammate. “What was that for?!”

Tsunade sniffed and crossed her arms. “You had that stupid, perverted look on your face again. Not in front of the baby!”

“He’s not even looking at me, he’s distracted by Shizune!”

Tsunade’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and Jiraiya decided that a strategic retreat would be the wisest course of action. And if anyone said he was hiding behind Kakashi, the accusation would be false! Blatantly slanderous!

He’d maintain that position under pain of death, even with Maito laughing and Kakashi shooting him a Look. Why was everyone always so intent on making such completely false accusations? Sure, he had been known, on occasion, to take a peek into the women’s side of bath houses to admire the, ah… local cuisine, so to speak, but there were times when he was, legitimately, just _walking by._ He didn't have the energy nor the inclination to be a pervert every hour of every day, despite what Tsunade seemed to believe. Honestly, she was just so suspicious!

“Now, now, you’re all going to disturb Kouichi,” Shizune admonished serenely, a mischievous sparkle glinting in her eye.

It was during moments like this that Jiraiya could see the young medic’s resemblance to Dan. From the bittersweet look on Tsunade’s face, he wasn’t the only one seeing it. It made his chest hurt and he turned his head abruptly away, fixing his gaze on the baby once more.

Maito knelt and scooped up Kouichi, grinning brightly. “I am certain that Kouichi’s youthful spirit will be strong enough to enjoy such disturbances!”

“Gai, I swear by the Sage of Six Paths, if you teach my son to yell about youthfulness, I will force-feed you brussel sprouts for a month.” Kakashi stole his son out of his best friend’s arms to return him to the nin-pack as Maito protested Kakashi’s ‘unyouthfulness, we must challenge this when you are fully recovered!’

A small scratching sound made everyone in the room turn, hands on weapons or in position to start a jutsu. Jiraiya almost felt like laughing when he saw it was just Haru, one of Sensei’s summons, and pried his hand off his most dangerous combat scroll.

“You couldn’t have made a little more noise?” Tsunade scolded as she opened the window to let the hawk in.

Haru made an odd coughing sound that still managed to sound derisive. “If you lot can’t tell when one of us is nearby, you’ll never learn if I just announce myself.”

“I think Sensei had a lecture about that before we managed to trap him that one time by the koi pond,” Jiraiya retorted.

Maito’s head swung around, wide-eyed. “You captured Hokage-sama?”

“We didn’t just catch him,” Tsunade replied with a proud grin. “We dyed his hair pink. We’ll tell you about it later,” she added at the younger shinobi’s disbelieving looks.

Haru sighed at their antics and flapped over to the perch nailed into the south facing wall, extending his leg to reveal a rather large packet of paper. “I’ve got letters for Hatake, Maito, and both Sannin. Master Hiruzen apologizes that he did not write sooner.”

“That’s fine,” Kakashi stated quietly, tugging the string and catching the letters one-handed as they were released. He waved them about. “Maa, go ahead and grab your letter, I’m not holding onto them forever.”

Jiraiya snagged the one with his name on it, breaking the seal and pulling out the sheet written in Sensei’s crisp brushstrokes in their preferred cipher for personal matters.

_Jiraiya-kun,_

_Why am I not surprised that you became involved in this?_

_Tsunade informed me of the upgrades you made to the cabin’s security. I cannot thank you enough for strengthening them. You can tell me what you did the next time we are face to face._

_I’m sure that you are already aware that the utmost secrecy is critical, for both Kakashi and the baby’s sake. You have officially been read into this program, and I will provide updates as necessary. Other responsibilities of the mission include monitoring Danzo’s activity, particularly as it pertains to ANBU and ROOT, as well as any investments made in scientific and medical ventures, protecting the baby, and supporting Kakashi in the missions he will be assigned as well. At this time you will stay at the safe house until Tsunade ensures that Kakashi is recovered._

_I will speak to you soon,_

_Sarutobi Hiruzen_

Jiraiya folded the paper and slipped it into his pocket. Jiraiya had already resolved to himself to do whatever was necessary to unseat Danzo from his throne of power. The paperwork now resting in his hands had just made the mission official.

He turned back to the rest of the group and idly watched as Kakashi’s ninken continued sniffing at the new baby. The young man tucked away his own letter and moved back into the room, folding his legs easily as his dogs moved out of the way to make room once again for their summoner.

Jiraiya watched, his gaze intent on the scene before him. The baby was cute, and he liked it, but he didn’t really want one.

Well, he had known for years that he hadn’t wanted kids, had no interest in settling down, and the white picket fence, and everything it entailed. And that, more than everything else, had been the main reason why he’d known that he’d never stood a chance with Tsunade.

He glanced at her, careful to keep it subtle. She probably still thought he was crazy about her, which wasn’t necessarily untrue. He would always love her, always be devoted to her dream and her strength, but…

Well. He had known for years that they would never work.

_“I’m just saying, Hime, one person for forever? You gotta admit, that only happens in the books.”_

_Tsunade crosses her arms and glared at him. “Really? Like you’re one to talk, you chase after a new set of boobs every week!”_

_Jiraiya winced, pushing down the urge to rub the back of his head. He knew that it probably wouldn’t sound good any way he put it, but if he couldn’t trust Tsunade and Orochimaru, who could he trust?_

_Not that Orochimaru seemed very involved in the conversation, as he just looked back and forth between them with a bemused expression._

_“But after everything, settling down with one person and having kids and a house is appealing to you?”_

_“It isn’t to you?”_

_Jiraiya stared at Tsunade, only slightly gratified that she seemed equally as confused by his thoughts._

_It was the first time he had realized just how different they were._

_“Perhaps having a stable house would be good for research,” Orochimaru mused absently, tracing his fingers around the rim of his glass. “But sexual intercourse still sounds messy and unappealing.”_

_Well, at least it distracted them from their discussion._

Jiraiya sighed. Every once in awhile, when he was admiring Tsunade, basking in the brilliance of her mind and the beauty of her body, that conversation would pop back up, echoing in his mind.

Tsunade had always wanted a family, both for her own sake and to fulfill her duty to continue the Senju line.

Jiraiya had been the child no one had ever wanted, not until he had found his team. He’d never had good examples of happy, stable couples while he’d been growing up and, even if he had, the idea of becoming a father just… hadn’t lit up anything in him. Sure, kids were cute and he liked teaching them, once they got to the talking stage and were basically small adults and had their own opinions and ideas. But babies?

Babies slept, and ate, and pooped.

Jiraiya very carefully kept that thought tucked away because he honestly had no idea if Kakashi would be offended. Most people were practical about that viewpoint, unless it involved their own kids. He snuck another look out of the corner of his eye.

Kakashi was talking to Shizune, but something in his body language seemed… off. Almost nervous, but it wasn’t directed at the conversation.

If Jiraiya wasn’t mistaken, it was more in Kouichi’s direction. Kakashi was obviously still paying attention to the baby, but his hand rested in an odd space between him and the child, as though he couldn’t bring himself to cross the barrier.

Jiraiya turned away for a moment to collect this thoughts. Kakashi may have been difficult to read, as were most shinobi, but little cues like this and his ever present hesitation any time he touched Kouichi…

Jiraiya had read Minato’s mission reports for his team. He had seen proof of what Kakashi was willing to do when it was for the sake of someone he cared about. Even if it wasn’t someone he felt strongly for, Kakashi wouldn’t have been callous enough to risk leaving his -- _and Obito’s_ , Jiraiya reminded himself, as Kakashi’s mammoth guilt complex was something that should always be taken into account -- child in a place where Danzo might be able to take them.

However, that didn’t automatically mean that Kakashi was ready to be a parent. It was entirely possible that Kakashi was putting on a brave face about being a parent because that’s what he thought everyone expected.

Jiraiya frowned. Kakashi’s breakdowns in the past had been… messy. With the Danzo situation unlikely to be rectified anytime soon, even with the changes he planned to make to his network that would bring the bastard down sooner rather than later, Kakashi would most likely be unable to return to Konoha for at least a couple of years.

Was it right to leave Kakashi with a child he may not want? Jiraiya had no doubt he would do right by Kouichi, but how would it impact Kakashi’s mental health and his abilities as a shinobi? Hell, he was still a teenager; having a kid at his age was hard enough without throwing the rest of the situation on top of it.

Movement drew his gaze to the left, where Tsunade had fixed him with a curious look.

_All ok?_

Kami, he hadn’t seen their strange, bastardized version of field handsigns in years. Tsunade’s fingers were a bit stiff, but she still remembered. It made an uncomfortable warmth bloom in his chest, but he only allowed himself a moment to bask in it before responding.

_Later_ , he signed back. Tsunade frowned at him, but didn’t push the issue.

Jiraiya looked back to Kakashi, who had set a careful hand on Kouichi’s head while the older man had been distracted.

He had already failed and abandoned Kakashi like he had Minato, like he had _Naruto._ Maybe he could atone for it now, by ensuring that Kakashi didn’t trap himself into a life he wouldn’t be able to bear.

~

As he worked through his kata, the full moon overhead and lighting the clearing, Jiraiya’s mind slowly and methodically turned over what he had observed over the last week.

Invariably, Kakashi always hesitated before touching Kouichi. It was subtle, fast enough that Jiraiya wasn’t sure if Shizune or Maito noticed. He would be willing to bet that Tsunade noticed, though he had no idea what she thought about it; but it was there, and it was consistent. He seemed relieved to hand off Kouichi to Tsunade, Shizune, and Maito whenever he could -- and didn’t it _burn_ that Kakashi did hesitate to pass Kouichi to _him_ \-- and he would be hypervigilant of Kouichi, no matter what the boy was doing.

It made Jiraiya really question what Kakashi actually thought of Kouichi.

Kakashi obviously had affection for the baby, but he was only sixteen himself. Sixteen, _gods_ , he was still so fucking young and he had already suffered so much, _years_ of traumatic shinobi work and general inability to connect with people, only to be impregnated against his will and suddenly forced to raise a child.

It was not an ideal set of circumstances.

And today Kakashi had been even quieter than usual. He still payed appropriate attention to Kouichi, still did his workout and sparring, but didn’t engage Maito in their usual verbal spats nor ask Tsunade any new questions.

To be fair, Shizune had left today to report to Sarutobi and assist in making plans in Konoha, but even that shouldn’t have been enough to phase Kakashi so visibly.

It was concerning.

Jiraiya finished his set, and went back inside. He had decided that running through a late kata set would clear his mind, and would hopefully allow enough time for Kouichi to fall asleep. The lights were off, indicating that Tsunade and Maito were already asleep as well, but the kitchen light was still on.

He did not expect to almost trip over a nin-dog that was laying across the threshold to the kitchen. The dog -- Pakkun, Jiraiya realized, now that he could get a better look -- barked, shooting him an irritated look. “Watch it,” he grumbled, trotting further into the kitchen and stepping very carefully.

Jiraiya blinked. The room smelled like sake, and bits of glass were scattered across the floor.

Sitting on the ground by the cabinets, thankfully clear of the glass, was Kakashi. His mask was up, his hitai-ate down, and he looked as though he’d been carved from stone, except the movement of his hands where he was wiping them with a kitchen cloth. The pink, inflamed skin hinted how long he’d been doing so.

Shit. _Shit_. If Kakashi had already had a breakdown, that was not a good sign.

Suddenly the teen stopped, head turning and eye focusing on him. His shoulders sank as he leaned back more heavily against the cabinet, hands dropping into his lap. “Jiraiya-san,” he greeted politely, as though there was nothing odd about sitting on the kitchen floor late at night in the midst of a flashback and with what looked and smelled like a broken sake bottle on the ground.

Alright. Kakashi wanted to play this casually. Jiraiya could do casual. “Evening. Need a hand?”

“I got it,” Kakashi replied, his tone just a little too flat to be entirely casual. A quick flicker of hand signs produced a water jutsu that washed across the floor, leaving it clean and dropping the glass into the trash.

Hmm. His gestures were entirely steady, so it was possible he hadn’t actually drunk any of the alcohol, but the fact that he had gotten a bottle at all was concerning. Alcohol had never been one of Kakashi’s vices of choice.

The teen then stood, Pakkun falling in next to him. “Night.”

“...Goodnight.”

Jiraiya shook his head as soon as Kakashi was going up the stairs. This was not good.

~

Jiraiya sighed to himself as he walked back into the main room the next day. They were still waiting for further orders from Sarutobi-sama, and the longer they waited, the less he felt like he could reconnect with Kakashi.

It wasn’t as though he and Kakashi had been extremely close before Minato’s death, not with Jiraiya’s travels and Kakashi’s issues, but Jiraiya had always felt a certain understanding with Kakashi. Both orphaned, both with the expectations of functionally-extinct clans on their shoulders, and both left alone after their teammates were -- _dead, disappeared, betrayed -_ \- gone.

He remembered one incident in particular that had stood out.

_“What are you doing?”_

_Jiraiya didn’t jump. It was just a mild moment of startlement, because he had finally,_ finally _figured out how to move the porch sex scene forward without resorting to the kind of cliche dialogue that made even him cringe. He might write trash, according to all other reputable sources, but at least it was_ good quality _trash. He’d eat his quill set whole before he descended to the likes of that amateur, superficial_ hack _of a Rain-nin who dared to call himself a_ writer.

_Looking down, he realized that Minato’s genin/jounin-apprentice was staring up at him curiously. Given that most of the time the boy was brooding, he was surprised that he had started a conversation at all._

_“What does it look like I’m doing?”_

_Kakashi someone managed to convey a look of skeptical disgust with only one eye exposed. “You were giggling.”_

_Jiraiya bristled. “It was a chuckle.”_

_“Whatever. Why?”_

_...Well, the kid was a jounin, he’d probably already had The Talk in detail._

_“I’m working on my newest novel!”_

_Kakashi looked at the notepad. Looked at Jiraiya. Looked back at the notepad. “Are those the porn books Minato-sensei gets flustered about?”_

_“They are a moving and touching romance!”_

_One day, Jiraiya would learn how Kakashi could project an expression of pure skepticism with only one eye exposed. For now though, he had to defend his Icha-Icha._

_“They’re shelved with the porn at the bookstore,” Kakashi finally replied dryly._

_“Oh, and how do you know what’s in the porn section at the bookstore?”_

_“It’s easy. Everyone on the covers is at least half-naked.”_

_...Honestly, Jiraiya could not refute that entirely. “The plot is still a necessary component of the story!”_

_“It’s two people fucking, how creative do you have to get?”_

_Jiraiya sighed, then rummaged through his bag. Clearly Kakashi wanted something, otherwise he wouldn’t still be talking to Jiraiya, but given that he wasn’t giving any hints, he could at least distract the boy._

_“Here! A copy of my first book, Icha-Icha Paradise! Read it and then tell me that there’s no plot.”_

_To Jiraiya’s surprise, Kakashi actually took the bright orange book and sat down right there on the ground. He stared for a moment, then returned to his manuscript._

_For a couple hours, they sat side by side, Kakashi reading silently as Jiraiya worked on his newest hit, Icha-Icha Tactics._

_“The sex is unrealistic.”_

_This time Jiraiya avoided jumping, although he reminded himself to give his tie-a-bell-to-your-students proposal to Minato again, then he was offended._

_“Unrealistic?!”_

_Kakashi just gave him a bland look and tapped the cover. “No one has breasts like this, and you can’t orgasm seven times in a row without some type of stimulant. Also, they’d be so sweaty and gross so fast; it’s the middle of summer at sea level.”_

_While Jiraiya tried to think of how to fix these deficits in Kakashi’s imagination, the thought finally occurring that perhaps giving an eleven-year-old Icha-Icha was not the best idea and that Minato and Kushina were going to kill him, Kakashi spoke again._

_“Also, why did the protagonist eat insects? It doesn’t say he’s an Aburame.”_

_...That derailed his entire thought process. “What?”_

_Kakashi flipped back several pages and pointed to a particular passage. “Here. It says he had butterflies in his stomach. But butterflies wouldn’t survive in the stomach, and eating them seems like a really bad idea because several species are poisonous.”_

_Jiraiya just tried to process what he was hearing, and answered automatically. “Kakashi, it’s a metaphor. It’s the feeling you get when you have a crush on someone.”_

_Kakashi was definitely frowning behind his mask. “That just sounds uncomfortable.”_

_“It’s part of the process. Kind of like the way you make a fool of yourself for the people you love, or you go out of your way to make them happy.” Jiraiya let himself glance at his memories again, of being fourteen and awkward and in love with his teammate._

_An annoyed sound brought him back to the present to see Kakashi fold his arms. “That sounds awful. I don’t want to turn into an idiot like Minato-sensei. He was being embarrassing again and he wouldn’t stop talking about her. I had to come find you to make him go away and flail at someone else.”_

Jiraiya realized that he was smiling at the bittersweet memory, and also feeling… a little misplaced guilt. It wasn’t as though he could have changed anything, but in a very real way, Konoha had failed Kakashi.

It was one thing to turn a child into a killer. They were shinobi. It was what they were, what they _did,_ even though the world seemed to oscillate between fear, condemnation, and gratitude depending on the season or the position of the stars or how recently a shinobi had decided to save their metaphorical, or literal, asses.

But they were still human, should still be allowed to live and love outside of the job, and nobody had ever taught Kakashi that.

“You seem lost in very unyouthful thoughts, Jiraiya-sama.”

Jiraiya turned slightly to look at the jumpsuit-clad jounin. Maito stood still and calm, eyes curious as they took in the Sannin.

“Just some old heaviness,” Jiraiya admitted. No matter how much he wanted to deflect, he had run enough covert operations to know that there was a time for sincerity as well. If spies wanted to gain each other’s trust, they had to be willing to show some kind of weakness, no matter the risk.

Maito nodded slowly. “Indeed. This situation can make thoughts of youth very difficult.”

Jiraiya chuckled softly. It looked like Maito had inherited his father’s sense of understatement. The thought made Jiraiya’s heart ache fiercely with sudden melancholy as he was hit with just how much he missed that clever bastard. Dai had always been a steadfast companion, never wavering in his ideals or his courage even when faced with the worst humanity had to offer. Even decades later, retired shinobi still remembered Dai’s warm eyes and kind words every Memorial Festival and left irises on his headstone. Jiraiya could see the same resolve and steadiness in Maito’s eyes and it brought him comfort even as he had to look away.

He cleared his throat roughly, swallowing down his emotions so that he could reply properly.

“Sensei will work to get rid of Danzo,” he finally managed, his calm and even voice hiding the depth of his small emotional breakdown.

“Of that I have no doubt. And having time away from the field may help my eternal rival heal.”

Jiraiya watched Maito carefully. Maito knew Kakashi best out of everyone in the cottage, out of everyone in the entire _Village,_ but Kakashi could be very, very good at hiding his true feelings. Even from those he trusted like family.

“What do you think of Kakashi being a mother?”

Something in Maito’s posture changed. It was subtle, and he didn’t lose his friendly smile or relaxed shoulders, but he was definitely more watchful than he had been a moment ago.

It piqued Jiraiya’s curiosity.

“I believe that my eternal rival will do very well once he learns the necessary skills, as he has succeeded in every other task set before him,” Maito replied, brightly but firmly. “He has always had the utmost coolness when making decisions like this!”

Jiraiya nodded slowly, unsure of how to file that among his current observations. Maito had spent the past several months with Kakashi, according to Tsunade and Shizune, but there had been a gap in the time he had known Kakashi.

He had no doubt that Maito had known Kakashi well prior to his induction into ANBU and ROOT, but that was not a guarantee that the other jounin could still read Kakashi well. Adding a child into the equation also made a difference, because it was obvious that Maito already adored Kouichi. It was entirely possible that Kakashi had fooled him by acting the way he thought Maito expected him to act.

...Which did fit well with what he knew about Kakashi. Maito was one of his only friends, and after Rin and Obito’s deaths, it was entirely possible that Kakashi didn’t want to lose anyone else to what he might see as a personal failing.

“Thank you for your thoughts, Maito-san,” he finally replied, managing a bright smile of his own.

~

Jiraiya sat on the roof, thinking hard.

After everything he had seen, he couldn’t deny the possibility.

Kakashi, no matter how much he cared about Kouichi, didn’t want him. Maybe didn’t want to be a parent at all. Even if he had kept the baby because it was Obito’s, there was a wide gap between that and becoming a parent by choice.

Under ordinary circumstances, adoption or fostering might have been a possibility, but this was anything but ordinary circumstances. Jiraiya had seen Danzo work, and the man practically breathed long-term contingency plans. The Uchiha eyes couldn’t be hidden forever if someone was looking for him, and the silver hair meant that Kouichi couldn’t be disguised by the Uchiha clan.

Frankly, Jiraiya _did not_ want to be part of any conversation where the Uchiha found out that the Hokage’s old genin teammate had committed line theft against them.

However, none of that actually presented a solution that would help Kakashi.

Jiraiya sighed, blinking against the bright sunlight. Maito couldn’t disappear from the Village, and it wasn’t fair to ask him to become a young single parent either. Shizune would be with Tsunade, and despite knowing that Tsunade would adore Kouichi… well. Jiraiya knew enough about Tsunade’s lifestyle to know that it wasn’t ideal to have a baby in that situation. Not to mention any potential… emotional complications that the situation would bring to bear.

But… what if _he_ fostered Kouichi?

Jiraiya’s automatic reaction was sheer terror. There was no way he could take care of a child; he was too broken, too damaged, and, if he failed, the consequences would be horrendous. And it was a _baby,_ what was he supposed to do with a kid that couldn’t even speak or do anything on its own?

And yet. He had lived for over fifty years to Kakashi’s sixteen. He was strong enough to protect a child, and as a moving target it would be very hard to ambush him. His spy network was robust enough to keep Danzo’s agents away, especially with the… improvements he was planning on making.

If he could help Kakashi, shouldn’t he?

Without his permission, he began imagining how his life would change if he went down that path. Taking care of a baby would be difficult, but it would give him a range of new disguises he could use, and there was something… appealing, about starting his teachings so young.

He looked out towards the forest, turning the idea over and over again in his mind.

~

As Jiraiya scribbled down his ideas for his newest book, Kakashi flopped down on the couch across from him, blinking tiredly. Even so, his fingers still twitched every once in awhile, revealing the touch of paranoia that was just below the surface still.

“The new jutsu wards are even better than the old ones.” Jiraiya grimaced to himself. So much for introducing that topic gently. One of these times Kakashi was actually going to punch him.

The teen nodded, a tiny crease appearing at the corner of his eye. “I looked them over. Thanks for the upgrade.”

Jiraiya nodded, but the silence hung, heavy and awkward. For the first time, Jiraiya wondered if Kakashi might have been trying to say something as well, to mend the ties between them.

It was strange, to think that someone wanted to mend a bridge with him. But if anyone else could understand the desire to be connected to the people they cared about, even if they were bad at showing it, it would be Kakashi.  

“What’s the newest one about?”

Jiraiya grinned, waving the notebook. “What, the next Icha-Icha? It’s just an idea for now, but I think I’ll give it a supernatural flare. I haven’t gotten to dabble in that genre much.”

Kakashi snickered, and really, the lack of mask was just something Jiraiya was not ever going to get used to. “You just want an excuse to try tentacle porn.”

“Not just tentacle porn,” Jiraiya retorted automatically, safe in the knowledge that Tsunade was fast asleep and nothing short of a full-scale attack would wake her up at the moment. “It’s still in the rough stages though, I still need to design my protagonists. I think I’ll make the antagonist a sexy succubus,” he added with a playful leer.

Kakashi shook his head, but he was still smiling.

Jiraiya couldn’t take it anymore.

“How are you handling all of this?”

Fuck. Shit. Damn it all to hell. That was not the way to open delicate, sensitive topics, and Jiraiya resisted the urge to get the hell out of there before this backfired and it was even more of a mess.

To be fair, it wasn’t exactly a new feeling.

Kakashi’s face had gone blank, neutral, just a touch of Hound coming out in response to Jiraiya’s question. “‘All of this’?”

Well. He might as well try to get concrete and reliable answers to his questions.

“Kouichi, and being in hiding.”   

The teen stilled, his body language completely blank and neutral. Even his chakra flattened out, from what little Jiraiya could sense.

Despite himself, Jiraiya noted where his own weapons were. He did not want to trigger an ANBU-level response from the other jounin right now and Kakashi had never been particularly stable.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kakashi replied in a clipped tone.

Jiraiya made a point of settling back and tapping his pen against his papers. “Kid, I know we aren’t that close, but I know you. You’ve always been a field shinobi, but suddenly you’re cooped up here and you’re going to tell me that’s fine?”

And kami, Jiraiya couldn’t help but think of Nagato, Yahiko, and Konan. Ame had been a disaster on every level, and even though he had always fought the idea of being tied down, he’d felt like he had to do _something_ to help those children, that it had been his penance for all the death and misery he’d left in his wake, and all he could do was hope that his actions might make a difference, no matter how small.

He mentally shook himself out of those depressing thoughts even as he held himself still, waiting for Kakashi’s response. This was not Ame, and it wasn’t anywhere near the same situation. And he’d at least had a choice.

Kakashi hadn’t really had that. He never had.

Kakashi tilted his head, his eye still focused on Jiraiya, and to his surprise the teen… didn’t seem angry. He had almost expected a negative emotional reaction, given what he had seen over the last few days.

Instead he seemed almost thoughtful.

“I wasn’t, at first,” Kakashi finally said, eye distant as he turned over the thoughts in his mind. “I was a disaster and I was sure I was going to fuck it up in every possible way.” He loosed a humorless chuckle. “The jury is still out on that part.”

Jiraiya swallowed, setting down his notebook so that he could give Kakashi his full attention. He sent out another prayer, hoping that he didn’t fuck this up, that he didn’t ruin this entire situation.

“Kakashi… I understand that you are limited on options, and that Kouichi legitimately can’t be taken back to Konoha until Danzo has been removed from power...”

Kakashi turned, just enough to look Jiraiya in the eye. His shoulders were tight, set for action, but that was the only clue Jiraiya had for what was going on in Kakashi’s head.

A deep breath. It was terrifying to consider, but if he could do something right for once…

“If you aren’t sure about being a parent, I can offer some options.”

Kakashi sat up almost before Jiraiya finished speaking, eye wide and angry. “Kouichi is mine,” he growled, barely keeping his voice level. “I am _not_ giving him up.”

Jiraiya blinked, surprised. That had not been the reaction he’d been expecting in the least.

“My apologies,” he started, because if he didn’t diffuse the situation he was going to screw it up even more than he already had and he didn’t want to isolate Kakashi again. “I just wanted to offer the option. You seem hesitant about touching and interacting with Kouichi and, frankly, you’ll throw yourself on the wire if you think that’s what’s expected of you.”

Kakashi stood, lips pulled back from his teeth in a snarl and eyes flashing steel gray, and gods, Jiraiya hadn’t seen that since someone had seriously pissed off Sakumo, before the start of the Third War. Apparently it was a Hatake trait.

“Kouichi is my son, and I will _not_ lose him!” Kakashi growled emphatically, his shoulders a hard line of tension, his hands deceptively loose, ready to grab the kunai Jiraiya had no doubt he was carrying.

“I’m not saying that--”

“I’m _trying_ , I know I’m not good at this, but I’m trying and you are not taking him away--”

“Kakashi--”

“--he is my son and I want him!”

Jiraiya stopped, closing his mouth. Kakashi took a deep breath, jaw visibly clenched against whatever else it was he wanted to say.

Alright, he had fucked this up, but it hadn’t devolved into a shouting match, and Kakashi wasn’t walking out yet. He still had a chance to make this right.

“Nobody is going to take Kouichi away from you, Kakashi, not if that’s something you don’t want,” Jiraiya started carefully, getting that established before Kakashi actually snapped.

The teen glared at him, still standing defensively, and gods, it ached to see someone who should have been family and an ally looking at him that way.

Perhaps it was no less than he deserved. After all, he hadn’t fucked up a target analysis this badly since he’d first become Spymaster.

_Keep trying_ , whispered the voice in his head that always spoke when he was at his most panicked, the one that sounded like Tsunade at her most ferocious.

“When I stayed in Ame to teach the children there, I did it because I hated myself,” Jiraiya finally managed, trying to make Kakashi understand. He was aware of gray eyes staring at him, but he wasn’t able to meet them.

“Our war had ruined their country. I’ll never know if it was a Konoha-nin or someone else who orphaned them and destroyed their homes. I’ve gotten my hands dirty before, but war is something else entirely. I found them half-starved and desperate and thought I could serve my penance by teaching them, so that they could survive.” And how that still burned, to think about the kids, to wonder what had happened to them by now.

He managed to look up, to see Kakashi deflating, still wary but watchful. Was he getting through?

Gods, Jiraiya hoped he hadn’t just screwed up even more.

“I know you, Kakashi. I know… that we have a lot in common. And that includes throwing ourselves across the wire when we think the people we care about want that. I have never doubted you love Kouichi, but answer me honestly. Do you want to be a parent?”

Kakashi finally looked down, and Jiraiya held his breath as he considered the question.

“I want to be, but I’m not sure if I’m what he needs,” Kakashi finally murmured, shoulders dropping slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“...He’s so breakable,” Kakashi whispered, just barely audible. “He can’t lift his own head, his skull is soft, and he’s so small. I could hurt him so easily and I can’t _risk_ it. I just can’t.” Kakashi’s voice was pained, and under the flat tone were levels of terror.

Jiraiya hesitated, then pushed forward. As much as he hated it, he knew from his training that asking questions now, when someone was off balance, was one of the best times to get information.

“Is that why you don’t touch him?”

Kakashi flinched as though he’d been hit, then glared. “I like touching him. But I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s why I watch Tsunade when she’s doing something.”

Jiraiya jolted as he realized that he had completely missed that part. He was so focused on what he _could_ see, that he had ignored what he should have seen. It had been _decades_ since he’d made such a rookie mistake and it burned like acid in his throat. He could have spared them both this horrible, painful conversation if he had just _paid attention,_ if he had just seen that Kakashi had watched Tsunade intently whenever she was with Kouichi, that he had painstakingly memorized every book and piece of information Shizune and Tsunade told him about the proper care and feeding of a newborn child and how best to protect the young infant’s Uchiha eyes from direct sunlight. Every time, Jiraiya had only seen Kakashi give the baby up to another, never once watching as the boy paid attention to everything the others had done.

Jiraiya wanted to stab himself in the eye at his own stupidity. _But,_ whispered that same voice in his head, his sole voice of reason, his beautiful teammate and friend, _what about the breakdown?_

Which was a very valid point.

“And the other night in the kitchen?” A thick silence filled the room as Jiraiya waited for Kakashi’s answer.

“...Six years ago, Obito died at Kanabi Bridge.” Kakashi’s voice was utterly toneless. “All I could think of that entire day was how much he would’ve wanted to meet Kouichi, even if the circumstances were less than ideal. And how disappointed he’d be that Kouichi’s stuck with me.”

Kami, Jiraiya felt like an _idiot_. Hadn’t he already told himself to never underestimate Kakashi’s guilt complex? Put that on top of his history of losing loved ones in gruesome and fundamentally awful ways -- and really, when he thought about it, how sad was it that Obito’s death was probably the least awful? Sakumo committed suicide, Minato was killed by the Kyuubi, and Jiraiya still felt some anger that Rin had used her teammate to commit assisted suicide, even if he understood and respected her reasoning -- it was no wonder Kakashi was scared of something happening to Kouichi in the same vein. And, considering the kid’s martyr complex, it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise that he had so little faith in himself when it came to keeping his loved ones safe.

Jiraiya stood and moved so that Kakashi could see him before he set a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “Kakashi, you aren’t going to hurt Kouichi. I have never thought that and I know that no one else has either.”

“I barely even know how to hold him,” Kakashi replied flatly, not meeting Jiraiya’s eyes. “I can work with puppies, but he’s even more helpless than a puppy and I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. Even the books aren’t helping,” he added, gesturing towards the enormous stack of parenting books on the end table. “I have nightmares and I hate having my mask down and I don’t want to fuck up and hurt Kouichi or leave him alone.”

Shit. Shit, Jiraiya was not qualified to help with this, but he had to do something. He would never ask for it, but Kakashi needed help.

When Jiraiya considered it, applied his entire focus to solving the problem at hand, just as he would in a crisis situation in the field, he wondered if some of this came from Kakashi’s status as a ‘genius’. When was the last time Kakashi had really struggled with mastering a task, much less one that he had an emotional stake in?

“Kakashi, it doesn’t matter that you aren’t sure what to do.” He stepped forward slightly and tried to catch Kakashi’s eye. “You care about Kouichi, and you’re willing to learn. Everyone is screwed up somehow, but people still have kids and raise them and make them mostly-functional adults.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not,” Jiraiya replied honestly. Kakashi looked up fast, surprised. “I didn’t want you to think you had no options if this isn’t what you wanted, but if you want Kouichi, you’ll learn.”

Kakashi drew in a deep breath, visibly bringing his emotions back under control. Jiraiya wasn’t sure how successful he’d been, but at least he had a starting point now that he actually understood what was going on in Kakashi’s head.

Reflecting on his own state, the idea that he didn’t have to think about taking Kouichi was a relief. At the same time, it almost felt disappointing, that he wasn’t going to be involved.

...Was he really disappointed about this?

He set that aside to analyze later and refocused on Kakashi. “Have you talked to Tsunade or Maito about this?”

“No.”

“Tell them.” Kakashi frowned, but Jiraiya pressed on. “I promise, they can help you work out a system to answer questions so that you can learn about parenting stuff. I’ll help and distract them if you need time.”

To his shock, Kakashi managed a small smile. “They’ll tell me to get rid of the Icha-Icha.”

“I will defend them with you until the end!” Jiraiya announced dramatically, relieved when Kakashi’s grin grew.

For once in his life, things had gone right with someone he cared about. It had taken over fifty years, but Jiraiya couldn't help but think that the wait was fucking worth it.

~

Jiraiya was in the middle of running drills with his toads, Maito running laps around the cottage on his hands at an alarming speed, when the wards rang, the sound of someone entering who had the proper key. They all still fell into defensive postures until a familiar silhouette emerged from the forest, for once missing the distinctive robes and hat.

“Sensei!”

“Hokage-sama!” Maito called, looking stunned.

Sarutobi Hiruzen grinned as he approached. “It’s good to see all of you.”

“Are you alone?” Jiraiya asked quickly, his mind racing about defenses and reducing the number of people in on the secret.

“I am. There are still some secrets about me that you don’t know yet,” Sarutobi-sensei added with a small wink before growing serious. “Tsunade and Kakashi?”

“Oi, Sensei!”

The group all turned to see Tsunade leaning on the door frame, grinning brightly. Kakashi stood just behind her, a now-familiar bundle in his arms.

A complex array of emotions crossed Sarutobi-sensei’s face, so fast that Jiraiya knew he didn’t catch them all, but regret and relief had definitely been mixed in. “Hello, Tsunade, Kakashi. I’m glad to see both of you.”

Tsunade nodded as Kakashi inclined his head slightly, both of them moving away from the door so that everyone else could make their way inside. Sarutobi-sensei’s eyes zeroed in on Kouichi as the door close behind him, his smile broadening. “He certainly takes after you. May I hold him?”

To his credit, Kakashi only hesitated for a moment before passing the baby to the man who had become known by the unassuming title of ‘The Professor.’ “His name is Kouichi.”

“That’s a good name,” Sarutobi-sensei replied softly, gently tickling Kouichi’s chin with the tip of one finger. “I’m glad that you are both safe and in good health.” Despite the faint smile on his face, his eyes were far more serious when they looked up. “We need to discuss our strategy moving forward.”

Every shinobi in the room straightened in response, the air becoming tense. “What have Danzo’s actions been?”

“He has placed those he believes to know and be willing to help you under observation, including Shiranui, Tenzo, and the Uchiha Clan. He also has your home under surveillance, Maito-san, and I do not doubt that he will watch you very closely when you return to Konoha,” Sarutobi-sensei added seriously before passing Kouichi back to Kakashi and turning to look at Jiraiya. “What have you ascertained from your network?”

Jiraiya pulled out his notes. “From my correspondence? At least three of my agents in the green quadrant have been permanently compromised, as well as five other possibilities in the yellow and purple quadrants. I’m still taking information from them, but Danzo is either controlling them or controlling their information. However, it seems like he is turning as many resources from ROOT as possible to focus on Project Fukkatsu, the codename he has given to… well, this,” Jiraiya finished lamely, fully aware of the tense line of Kakashi’s shoulders and the hard glare he was getting from Maito. He still wasn’t used to the subject of a briefing being involved in the actual briefing.

“Has he given any indications of wishing to repeat the procedure?” Sarutobi-sensei asked. Tsunade’s sharp intake of breath gave away her reaction, and Jiraiya was relieved that he was able to shake his head.

“Not at this time. I would still ensure that any shinobi who has a known clan bloodline is still monitored, but there hasn’t been any new activity from his medical facility.”

Kakashi’s eyebrow shot to his hairline, even as he held Kouichi a little tighter. “How did you get a spy in there?”

Jiraiya grinned, and he knew that there was pure viciousness in the expression. “I asked. Politely.”

Tsunade snorted, her eyes dark with approval. Even Maito, who still maintained a certain lightness despite their profession, seemed satisfied with the answer. Jiraiya drew himself up to continue.

“I’ve coordinated with Green Flowerpot and Green Rake, and they have orders to pass on to the rest of the network. We’re looking for any changes in patterns or communications, and so far we have found links between Danzo and rebel groups in Suna, Kumo… and Ame.”

Pure fury passed across Sarutobi-sensei’s face, and Jiraiya carefully didn’t flinch. “Thus far he does not appear to be actively encouraging any activity, but based on the connections I would want to look closer for any deadman letters or traps that could place Konoha in harm’s way.”

Every shinobi in the room was looking at him with flat fury and steely determination. Kakashi was unconsciously playing with Kouichi’s hair, as though distracting himself.

Maito cleared his throat, visibly reigning in the darkness. “Green flowerpot and rake?”

Jiraiya inclined his head with a small smile. “My naming system within my network. Each agent is assigned to a region throughout the Elemental Nations, and each region has a color. Civilian spies are household items, such as flowerpot or rake, while shinobi are outdoors items, like rock or twig. It helps to keep everything organized and people don’t tend to eavesdrop on conversations they think are about gardening.” Jiraiya shrugged at the faintly flummoxed look on the younger jounin’s face while Tsunade outright laughed.

“Sometimes the simplest methods are truly the best, Maito-san,” Sarutobi said slyly, reaching forward to tickle Kouichi under his chin before the humor fled from his face and he brought them back to the matter at hand.

“At this time he has managed to ingratiate himself with the Council, although the Clan heads as a whole remain wary of him,” Sarutobi-sensei stated solemnly, his eyes distantly focused. “Unfortunately, at this time both my own spies and Jiraiya-kun’s network have been unable to obtain any official proof of wrongdoing. His resources are too focused on the ROOT headquarters.”

Jiraiya looked at his teacher, recognizing the set of his shoulders and the crafty grin. “What is your plan, Sensei?”

“We are going to wage a war of attrition on him.” Sarutobi-sensei reached into his robe and pulled out a scroll to unroll on the table, revealing a map with arrows indicating routes to and from Konoha and a coded time-table. “Jiraiya-kun’s network has determined regular comings and goings of ROOT agents.” Sarutobi-sensei’s eyes saddened for a moment before hardening again. “I wish we could rehabilitate them, but Danzo poses too much danger to take that type of security risk. Therefore, we need to eliminate these agents and put pressure on Danzo. I will be working with the orphanages to minimize the routes Danzo can use to recruit new ROOT agents. However, I will not be able to assign these assassinations as typical jounin missions. These are too risky to put down even as S-ranks.” He turned to look at the two younger jounin. “I understand that you will both be very busy and have limited resources, but Gai and Kakashi, would you be willing to take these missions periodically?”

“I will fulfill this mission with the entirety of my spirit,” Maito stated, his usual shouting giving way to quiet conviction.

Kakashi also nodded, though he seemed more reticent. “I can’t exactly call a babysitter, so what are your plans for Kouichi?”

“I’m not going to ask you to leave him alone,” Sarutobi-sensei replied with a smile. “Gai will still be working closely with you. And with your permission…”

The old man looked between Tsunade and Jiraiya. “Jiraiya-kun, I understand this is difficult with your workload, and Tsunade-chan, I understand that you no longer officially work for Konoha in any real capacity, but the risk of Danzo finding any information makes me very hesitant to assign any new jounin to this case. Would you both be willing to work with us on this?”

“Absolutely, Sensei,” Jiraiya replied immediately. There was no question about that. He had already promised himself that he would help Kakashi.

Tsunade was silent for a minute, then took a deep breath. “I’m in. But for this mission only,” she added warningly.

Sarutobi-sensei released a relieved breath and nodded with a smile. Kakashi also looked relieved before schooling his features again.

“Someone has to be around to help take care of this kid,” she added quickly, as though needing to defend her decision to continue helping.

Sarutobi-sensei chuckled. “Any child would be lucky to have all of you involved in their lives.”

Internally, Jiraiya scoffed at that comment. Kouichi, better off with him around? He was going to help, but he would be more effective eliminating the threat at its source -- a.k.a., ROOT and Danzo. Hell, it was probably better that Kakashi would be the one raising Kouichi; despite his faults, he was going to be a good mother.

If Jiraiya had ended up as Kouichi’s guardian, he probably would have messed up horribly and ruined the boy somehow.

A sharp feeling panged in his chest. It caught him off guard, filling his mind with images of what could have been, teaching Kouichi to read and first jutsus and katas.

With a jolt, Jiraiya realized that he was disappointed that he couldn’t do those things with Kouichi.

Jiraiya let the two of them take the lead in discussing options as he turned to look surreptitiously at Kakashi and Kouichi. Kakashi was already seeming to do better with Kouichi, though he still hesitated slightly before each touch.

It was strange though. Jiraiya had started to mentally prepare himself to take on a child, and having the option suddenly disappear made him feel… bereft? Was that the right word?

Well, it wasn’t as though there was room in his life for a child, regardless if he wanted one. He had responsibilities to Kakashi, to Sarutobi-sensei, to Konoha…

To Naruto.

The remembrance forced the air out of his lungs for a moment before he regained his breath. Would he ever stop feeling guilty? Minato’s son was just a child, and alone, and Jiraiya’s work had protected him from threats outside of Konoha. But had it allowed him to thrive and live in their village?

He shook his head, trying to dislodge the thought. He wasn’t a good candidate, he was so busy…

And yet he had seriously considered fostering Kouichi.

Naruto was older, more the age Jiraiya actually was comfortable with. He could still travel and arrange for Naruto to be taken care of, Sarutobi-sensei would probably want closer eyes on the boy with Danzo’s plotting -- as much as the thought disgusted Jiraiya, Danzo had used Obito’s DNA from medical samples, and the Uzumaki were another dying clan. He did not trust Danzo to _not_ consider that as an option.   

Jiraiya tuned back into the conversation, but the thought remained in his head.

~

Jiraiya sat on the porch, listening with one ear as Sarutobi-sensei regaled Kakashi, Maito, and Tsunade with stories from when his children were small and all the shenanigans they got into.

Try as he might, Jiraiya hadn’t been able to enjoy them. All he could think of was Naruto having fun, Naruto being encouraged, Naruto growing and learning… from him.

The feelings warred in his head. He wanted Naruto. He couldn’t be a parent. He could teach. He had other responsibilities. He fucked up every relationship in his life. He had managed to repair the one with Kakashi.

He had no idea what to do.

“What aren’t you telling us?”

Jiraiya turned as Kakashi sat next to him, sans Kouichi. A glance back revealed that the baby was with Sarutobi-sensei, who looked thrilled that the baby was trying to grab his beard. He turned back to look at Kakashi, who looked unamused.

“Nothing that pertains to this situation. It’s… something else,” he replied hesitantly. The argument about Naruto had been what had caused his and Kakashi’s relationship to fracture the first time and he didn’t particularly want to revisit that whole… situation.

Still, he had to keep trying.

“I’ve been thinking about Naruto,” he finally answered, looking out at the sunlight, dancing merrily along the edges of the leaves, so that he didn’t have to see Kakashi’s reaction.

The younger man was still, but didn’t respond, and Jiraiya kept talking. “This just stirred a lot up, and the fact is that Naruto doesn’t have the support and care he deserves. Sensei can’t do anything, and Tsunade isn’t coming back to the village. You and Maito have enough on your plates even if we weren’t dealing with the Danzo situation.” He sighed and looked down over the wild green grass of the clearing. “But I’m not an ideal candidate, I would let him down.” _Like I did with you._

“Bullshit.”   

Jiraiya turned abruptly to meet Kakashi’s eye, who was glaring at him evenly. “Do you want to help Naruto?”

“I--”

“Yes or no.”

Jiraiya stared at the uncompromising stare. He deflated a little. “Yes,” he finally admitted. “I want to see him laughing. I want to teach him fuinjutsu, and take him to get ramen, and do the things that Minato and Kushina should be here to do, but they aren’t, and I can.”

Kakashi nodded, eye softening. “You told me that as long as I was trying, I was doing something right. That the _trying_ is the most important part. Do you actually believe that?”

“Absolutely,” Jiraiya replied without hesitation, alarmed that he had made Kakashi doubt himself, before he saw the smug tilt of his mouth. _That sneaky little…_

“Alright, I see where you’re going,” Jiraiya admitted, it would be insulting to pretend that he didn’t see the trap. After all, he’d been the one to teach that to Minato, and it looked like he’d passed that on to Kakashi.

Kakashi looked out at the small clearing that surrounded his humble little cottage and shrugged awkwardly. “I can’t be there for him, but you can. If I can do _this_ , you can do _that_.”

Jiraiya sucked in a slow breath. Somehow, their rolls had reversed, with Jiraiya feeling uncertain and Kakashi comforting him.

The doubts and fears still crept up -- he had never maintained connections, he was terrible with people, he would fail Naruto, Minato, Kushina, _everyone_ \-- but he already knew what he was going to talk to Sarutobi-sensei about once everyone else had gone to bed.

~

Jiraiya forced himself to stop fidgeting as he stood by Sarutobi-sensei’s desk. He had made his decision, and he was going to stick by it. He had to do this.

Minato’s son… _Naruto_ needed him. No matter how terrifying the idea was.

“I’m certain you will get along well.”

Jiraiya blushed slightly under the Hokage’s knowing gaze. After he had convinced the old man, Sarutobi had been incredibly supportive, encouraging him the same way he had encouraged Jiraiya’s taijutsu progress, or learning seals. It made him feel as though he was ten again, but it was also comforting to know that Sarutobi believed in him.

Sensei really believed that he could do this.

The door opened, and a small boy bounded ahead, closely followed by two ANBU guards. He was small for his age, his clothes worn and holey, but his blue eyes were large and clear.

Jiraiya tried to swallow the stone in his gut. He had known Naruto would no longer be the tiny baby he had once held, but seeing how he had already grown...

“Hi, Jiji! Do I get the hat yet?!”

Jiraiya covered his mouth to hide the grin on his face at the boy’s irreverent greeting, even as it tugged at his heart strings. How many times had Kushia teased Sarutobi about getting old and passing on the title of Hokage?

Sarutobi finished greeting Naruto, and Jiraiya realized that those innocent eyes were focused on him.

He peripherally noticed the whisker marks that would forever mark Naruto’s face, but how could he care in the face of everything else?

“Who’s the geezer?”

Jiraiya spluttered, heartache replaced with indignation. “I’m not old!” he exclaimed.

“Why do all of my students assume aging is problematic?” Sarutobi complained good-naturedly, throwing his hands up dramatically. “While there are downsides of getting old, it really isn’t that bad!”

Naruto giggled behind his hands as Jiraiya spluttered.

Although between Tsunade using jutsu to hide her age, and Orochimaru’s whole obsession-with-immortality… thing, maybe Sensei had a point.

“Don’t worry, Jiji, you’re good at being old,” Naruto stated in an officious tone, his sly grin and the twinkle in his eye giving him away.

It was Jiraiya’s turn to laugh as Sensei sat, pondering if that was an insult or not. The old man finally decided to ignore it as he shook his head. “In any case, Naruto-kun, I called you here for a reason.”

The boy sighed and sat down. Despite trying to act nonchalant, the boy’s body language was practically screaming nervousness, all tight knuckles and fidgets, legs swinging in the too-large chair.

Sensei nodded towards Jiraiya, who tried not to swallow. He could relate. It was hard to appear completely calm.

“This is Jiraiya-kun, one of my former students. He is also your godfather.” Sensei looked over, and Jiraiya realized he was smiling. “He wants to adopt you.”

Naruto’s legs stopped swinging. The boy went completely still, to the point where Jiraiya had to check if he was breathing. His head finally turned slowly, blue eyes focusing on Jiraiya.

“Huh?”

Jiraiya stepped forward and knelt so that he could be at Naruto’s eye-level. “I’ve been out of Konoha the last few years, working for Sensei. I’ll probably have to go out sometimes to keep up with things, maybe a week or two here and there. But I’m here now, okay?”

Naruto still looked stunned. “You want me?” he asked, his tone heartbreakingly skeptical.

Jiraiya’s stomach twisted hard with guilt as he leaned forward. Part of him wanted to run and get drunk, but he needed to be here. Naruto needed him, like Konoha had always needed him but… different somehow.

And Kakashi believed that he could do this.

“I have always wanted you.” The statement slipped out before he could stop it, but it was true. Even with everything that had happened, he had always loved Naruto, always wanted to be a part of the family Minato was building.

It had been so long since his family had been broken; having it in reach now was terrifying.

Naruto still looked stunned. “But everyone says I’m a demon and that nobody wants me. They say that a lot.” The boy blinked as though considering something. “Except Miyu-san at the orphanage, but everyone says she’s crazy. The other orphanage ladies say I’m a monster, too.”

Jiraiya rocked back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sensei stiffen with shock. Perhaps he hadn’t known how bad it had gotten, but Jiraiya wouldn’t let it go any further. He had to swallow a hot well of fury, and resisted the urge to unleash his toads on the orphanage. It wouldn’t be right to risk hurting the other children.

It also meant he needed to check his network on this topic. Again. But that could wait. He had an anxious little boy who was staring at him as though he couldn’t believe what he had heard.

“They lied, and had no right to say anything that awful,” Jiraiya managed, setting aside his feelings to focus on the boy in front of him. “You are not a demon, or a monster, or anything else like that. Your parents loved you, and wanted you, and so do I.” He realized how that sounded and internally winced. “If you want to, I mean.”

Tears welled up in Naruto’s eyes, and he threw his arms around Jiraiya’s neck, Jiraiya’s arms automatically coming up to embrace him.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he murmured as Naruto shook against him, overwhelmed at the thought of having a family.

Jiraiya wasn’t sure if he would be a good parent, but if Kakashi could try, so could he.  

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: references to torture of other shinobi, child-hunting, PTSD, abandonment, miscarriage… yeah, I think we hit a decent chunk of the spectrum. Man, the shinobi world is messed up when you think about it XD
> 
> Also, a beautiful reader named Here For the Science pointed out a serious flaw in our story building. In order to fix it, we had to make Tsunade and Nawaki half-siblings and Mito a procreosexual trans woman. If you guys want the full explanation, it's in the comments section of “The Strange Marriage between Science and Fiction.”
> 
> People placed irises on Dai’s grave because they symbolize hope and that was what the man gave them.
> 
> So… yeah, we kind of built up the headcanon that what Jiraiya actually says is only, like… 10-15% of what actually goes through his head at any given time. Hence, the insane amount of introspection.
> 
> Side note: Jiraiya’s nearly as melodramatic as Obito XD
> 
> Hopefully further installments will be out a little quicker (and be a little shorter because this was 38 fucking pages, we kid you not)! We hope you enjoyed this one!


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